Does It Make Sense For A Person To Struggle With Life When He Is Alone

The Story

Hi, this is my story. I am 38 years old. I don't have a family, I don't have children, I'm single, I don't even have a profession, I don't have friends. I also recently quit my job. I'm not a bad person. At least that's how I define myself. I have helped many people in my life without expecting anything in a meeting. But I couldn't keep friends around. Some of them were just sludge users, loneliness often makes one associate with others, with others who were very decent, our paths parted. Fortunately, at least I'm in good physical health. I have a private apartment for rent, I don't think about basic expenses, but I don't have the most important things like family, social environment, profession. I wasted a lot of money lightly without thinking about tomorrow. I also had a bad temper, prejudices, I criticized others a lot and I didn't look at myself. I had to each increased requirements, but not to himself. Over time, I became quite estranged from people. And I wanted to be among them. I liked to laugh, to go out with companies, to have fun, but at some point I was blown away somewhere and people were running away from me. I was too good with others, they got on my head, I played them and I was left alone again.

Over the years, I found myself in social isolation. A lot of people have invited me to new years and holidays, I suffered from prejudice. ,, Hmm, what am I going to do with this chateteka, with these peasants? ,, Hmm, they feel sorry for me because I'm alone, I don't want them to feel sorry for me. ,, Hmm, they will ask me personal questions, what do you do (I was often out of work) why are you not engaged, and so on. For the last year and a half I have been working in a transport company. Hard work, I'm not lazy. I worked from all colleagues for most days and hours. The boss and the main logistics center respected me a lot for the work I did. I'm not a big man, but I had a charge, passion. This job gave me confidence, and some incentive. I was somehow proud to be in this difficult profession. I felt stability in life. I was giving away. I became friends with a lot of clients. I had a violent quarrel with others, a lot of complaints came from me. I was about to be fired, then I had to pray that they would leave me because I really needed the money. They left me. I had a goal. I wanted to reunite with an ex, with whom I had a short relationship 7 years ago, because I live abroad and she in Bulgaria. She hinted to me some time ago. And they needed money for this trip and for the whole thing. I also wanted to fix my parents' graves because they had collapsed. At least one thing to do in this life that makes sense to someone. The money came from both work and a loan. Nor did the ex come, in a difficult life situation she had fallen, I gave a deposit to a man to restore the grave, he dragged me. I barely got home from grief. Sad that no one is waiting for me.

There's no one to tell you, "Good evening," that whatever I do fails. I barely went to work. And in this tunnel of darkness, I met a woman who was in a similar situation. She was also looking for a man next to her. I was very happy, we went out and saw each other. But because of my minimal experience with women, I was brutally blown away and she put me in the "friendly zone," I wanted to do everything for her, but she obviously took it for some kind of characterlessness, and we didn't have much in common. Have I lost my social skills to communicate with people, maybe. I often notice that I can't have a long meaningful conversation with someone. Another failure in life. My glass is already overflowing. I could barely walk to work, my eyes full of tears. Colleagues noticed and everyone tried to help as much as they could, they took part of my work. My boss gave me more days off, but I felt like I was going crazy and my emotions were taking over. Until my brain shut down and I had a nervous breakdown. I became inadequate, my memory was lost. I became very chaotic, I lost ten kilos in ten days. I stopped maintaining my appearance. I quit my job prematurely.

My self-esteem has deteriorated brutally, after all these failures one after another. I have nothing more to fight for. If I had a wife by my side and a child, I would never allow myself to give up for a hundred years. But alone, what to fight for. I have no motivation and desire to live. There is no one to drink beer with in the city. I fell into a deep depression. I realized that it was all due to my irritable nature, impermanence, complexes, too much ego, selfishness. I want to change and become human, but I have no motivation. In those years without a profession, without friends, social environment, without family, without money. I haven't left home in weeks. I don't play music or TV, one person died in me.

Last Updated
August 31, 2020
Author:
noaa

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