Did I Lose It Forever?

Hello. I'm an 18-year-old girl. So I had a relationship recently that lasted a year or so. We constantly quarreled with him, we left very often (most of the time because of his mistakes. Of course I also made a lot of mistakes and more than once ...) so, we are both to blame. I've been getting a lot lately and I've become unbearable when he decides to take matters into his own hands and change so that we can be better. But I foolishly abandoned him. We were in us and I boiled a lot for something small, I drove it away and we broke up. The next day to cheer up I went out with 1 boy. I don't know how much he accepts me as "just a friend" because he likes me, but I've told him before that I want to stay friends because I have no feelings for him, and I loved my boyfriend very much. He's just a good guy, he's fun company and I decided to see you, nothing more. But my ex found out about this date, given that he knew this boy had feelings for me. Then he told me terrible things and blocked me from everywhere. At the moment I am very sorry that I went out with the other boy. I keep blaming myself. I want it back. I love him very much, more than anything. Even before we got together we were super close. We were best friends. But as soon as we left, we started arguing more. I'm just angry that when we broke up before he stubbornly pressed me with some other girl, and I forgave him. Plus, I thought it was wrong to make turbans, but we weren't together, who did it ... and what did he do now? It's not fair, it's just not fair. We have forgiven each other so many times (mostly me to him, as I said), we have so many memories, so many experiences. We get along perfectly. We've always been next to each other, whether we walk or not. But anyway, I don't see the point in talking about old things. I just wanted to share and ask for advice. I will not look for him, because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! We've always been next to each other, whether we walk or not. But anyway, I don't see the point in talking about old things. I just wanted to share and ask for advice. I will not look for him, because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! We've always been next to each other, whether we walk or not. But anyway, I don't see the point in talking about old things. I just wanted to share and ask for advice. I will not look for him, because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! But anyway, I don't see the point in talking about old things. I just wanted to share and ask for advice. I will not look for him, because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! But anyway, I don't see the point in talking about old things. I just wanted to share and ask for advice. I will not look for him, because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! because he is very aggressive at the moment and I will hear terrible things from him if I try to talk. I think about all this all day and all night. I am very annoyed. I even had a very strange dream. We were together and I stabbed him in the heart. He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!! He hid his pain all the time and treated me well. I don't know how to interpret it. I just don't know what to do, I'm desperate ... I love him too much, I know he loves me too. I don't want this to be the end ... I hope that when he passes by he will look for me, but .. I am asking for your opinion and advice. I also ask the moderators to publish my story, because it is really very important for me !!!!