Desperate And Impossible Love

I fell in love with her - my neighbor at the entrance to the block where we lived during our school years. My first big, true, romantic, unsuccessful, unspoken, unrequited and unhappy love. I was already in my early years in high school. I remember how nice it was for the girls and boys from the block to gather on the bench in front of the entrance. These special days and evenings with a special charge and romance in the air, when you are young and it seems to you that everything is possible, everything is ahead and life and love are something that awaits you and their breath is in the air. And she was my girl, at least in my mind, that my friends on the block knew about, that I watched in love, and a special thrill melted my heart when she was near me.

She is 1 year younger than me. We haven't had any relationship, and I still love her desperately. For so many years - 27 so far I have not stopped thinking about her every day. It so happened that I was very shrunken and modest, and I'm not ugly. On the contrary. 1, 82 cm tall, with blue eyes. I'm not fat. I'm smart. Physically strong. I have several higher educations - not only from Bulgaria, but also from universities abroad. I know several foreign languages. I am dealing with a decent income for Bulgaria. I am not one of those people who, for some reason, does not fall into the category of a good party for women. I just couldn't fall in love with anyone else the same way after her. She is a good girl. There were many candidates for her heart, and she made her choice some time ago, which did not include me. I kept hoping that maybe after another disappointment he would notice me, and day after day I lived with the illusion that my chance would come while returning to the city, where we both grew up, I didn't see her pregnant with a belly, and I later found out that she married someone I knew, and I didn't think she was the best choice she could make. Until I was 21, I hadn't even kissed a girl. I took care of her and didn't notice the other girls who teased me, and I didn't pay attention to them.

When I realized that I could not be with her because she already had a husband and a child, and later something else, I completely despaired and became depressed. Then I gradually got rid of my virginity and had different girls with whom I was more or less happy. I experimented with sex, but I never fell in love so much, and I obviously hurt a lot of girls while I was playing love. Now I realize it and I would ask if I had the opportunity, the girls I was with to forgive me if I disappointed and hurt them. I tried to forget her but to no avail. It's just that her name always stood out in my mind as an obsession.

I tried self-suggestion, meditation, yogic breathing. There were temporary remissions of amnesia when I didn't think about her, and then the obsessive thoughts came back, losing track of where she was and what she was doing, even though I had heard things about her here and there. And so until recently, when I accidentally found her on Facebook. I have lived in another city for a long time. It turned out later that she had lived in the same city for many years and even worked very close to my current job. I was very hesitant to add her as a friend and eventually did. So far I have had a failed marriage in which I tried at all costs to invest real feelings and build a family, but I failed because my ex made me a monkey with her mother, and maybe in part, she felt in me that a large part of my heart was devoted to some other mystical love that never died in me. After the divorce, I met another girl a few months later who had also been disappointed, like me, in a failed marriage in which her ex had behaved like a pig, cheated on her, and had another child as a cover.

I was so happy and everything was real. We got married this year after a few years together, realizing that we fit together very well and are happy. All this until recently, when I decided to try to overcome these old feelings that I had for my great and unrequited love and which prevented me from giving my heart completely to my wife. I took this step to add my old unfulfilled and unrequited love on Facebook.

She received me and wrote that she was glad to hear from me after so long and that we could see each other at some point. It turned out that they broke up with her husband, but she was not divorced for various reasons. Her husband did not stop looking for something else and after a long time, she decided to leave him. I thought that if I was alone, I could try to win her heart. Now I feel guilty at all for my thoughts and desire to be with my old love. My current wife is an angel and she doesn't deserve me to cheat on her. I know it and at the same time, I feel very weak to overcome my desire for my great love, which also turns out to be a very valuable and true person. I wrote to my newly discovered an old love on Facebook about being my great love all the time and for giving me, and that my current wife doesn't deserve to act like a pig and try romances with another.

She understood me and forgave me. He said there were no problems. We met once at her work once during my lunch break because I couldn't stand it and went there alone without the opportunity to talk for long. I wanted to meet another time for coffee to talk more freely, but she was busy. She already knows about my feelings for her, maybe she thinks I've overcome them, and I fool have dirty and vicious thoughts about her. I blame myself and I'm tormented for that. I don't know if it would help me to at least kiss her and hold her in my arms, so that I would be at least a little satisfied with my great passion and anguish. I fantasize about having sex. I'm obsessed with her again and follow her Facebook profile. I feel disgusted because I know this is not right. I don't know what to do. Maybe I will meet this love and leave it to her, who may be stronger than me to decide what to do with me. Will they make me happy or will they finally drive me away so that I realize and pay attention to the beautiful girl next to me, who doesn't deserve to think of another in any way and to cheat on her even in her thoughts. I do not wish anyone to experience my heartaches. I would advise everyone not to be shy and modest when they fall in love initially because the price for this is very high. When you are young and you can be happy, you should try everything to clarify your feelings to your loved one.

Either you will win love or you will be rejected and perhaps healed before the unhappy love nestles deep in your heart, from where it is almost impossible to snatch it. I did not, and now, many years later, I continue to live crucified between one love and another, which has always been stronger, though unfulfilled and unrequited. Wish me luck in this future meeting with my great old suffering love, when I hope to overcome myself and turn love into a friendship for the good of my current wife and our future happy life.

Or maybe it is possible to make love with my great love and be healed of my passion once so that I can give myself to my wife by closing this page of my life. I do not know. Or would I rather open the "Pandora's box", which would confuse the lives of all of us? !!

Write to me what you think! Maybe I'm a big fool, a jerk, a loser, or whatever comes to mind. Someone may write that I am complex or something else. I do not know. I only know that true great love really exists and when it comes, everything must be done to win it, because otherwise one remains unhappy and suffers for a very long time. Sometimes a lifetime.