Hi, I've been getting more and more worried about my situation lately. There is a complete mess in my head, I feel that I am at a dead end and I do not know how to continue. When I look at it from the side, I see myself as quite strange and congested. So I decided to share my torments and ask for opinion and advice. What do you think of people like me I am a 27 year old man. I start with the first problem: I have never had a relationship with a woman. I haven't even kissed a woman. I'm anxious and stiff, and when the girl attracts me, I become totally inadequate. I tighten, and that repulses. But I have never grumbled about my failures, because I know that the reason is only in me and it is up to me to change. Otherwise I'm not ugly, I've even been told several times that I'm beautiful. But I'm 1.70 tall, with a physique on the border between normal and thin and glasses, giving me a "too smart look" (in the opinion of many of my acquaintances), which does not make me particularly competitive. Some time ago, growth killed my self-esteem a lot, but now I have accepted myself as I am and I hardly harness myself. I'm emotional, but I can't see it. It's hard for me to express my emotions. (A friend jokes that I will get rich if I start playing poker.) For example, two months ago, after reuniting with friends, a girl said goodbye to me in the sweetest and most natural way and with such a casual radiant face, and I, like the largest tree, barely uttered two words with a visibly indifferent expression that embarrassed her. And inwardly I was so pleased and wanted to be at least as expressive as her. I start to relax only when I feel the person very close and I feel that we are "on the same wave". So far, the situation, however unpleasant, does not seem insurmountable. I have never given up my desire to change and become more open, although I have repeatedly fallen into periods of depression. In all these years, I have made some progress, albeit too slowly. But I'm starting to worry that the lack of experience at my age will increasingly repel women. On the other hand, because I can listen, many of my friends share personal things with me, and their experience becomes my experience. Unfortunately only theoretically. The other problem is that the goals I have set and pursue are unlikely to suit many women. I dream and strive to achieve material security and a standard of living, for me and my potential family, in the countryside. I do not want to be dependent on employers. I can't stand life in the big city - traffic jams, noise, dust, the dirty air, the concrete, the panels - they have a debilitating effect on me. I am currently working and studying for a doctorate in Sofia, but I run to the countryside almost every free minute. My idea is to create my own farm, plus a small business related to it. I have already taken the first step. Among other things, my interests and hobbies are not standard - I do not like bars, discos, cafes, malls, shopping and most commercial entertainment. I prefer cycling, hitchhiking, gathering with friends on "own ground", books, gardening, crafts, nature, amateur theater (as an actor; by the way, theater is one of the means by which I try to overcome my rigidity). And now comes the turn of the craziest, which seems to slightly cross the line of the perverted. So far I have not shared it with anyone. In general, I have always had extremely romantic ideas about my potential relationship. Even many will find it too slimy. Things like traveling to beautiful places, adventures, little surprises, lying in the grass, flipping it in the air and carrying it in my arms, a hug on top of a rock, it swaying on a swing wrapped in flowers, a little later stage - children running on the lawn in the yard, etc. But some time ago I discovered my dark side: without diminishing my fantasies listed above, I found that in parallel with them, I show BDSM tendencies (and both roles) and more and more often such thoughts are spinning in my head. But without causing physical pain. More like a role-playing game. The atmosphere itself excites me. No matter how hard I try to get rid of these thoughts, it doesn't work. And do I have to get rid of it? This totally confuses me and I don't know what's happening to me.
1 huntersurf234 answered
As far as I understand, your only problem is that you are "paralyzed". You are a young man, you have goals, dreams and ideas, the more important thing is that you fight for them, that is, you are ambitious. You prefer a healthy lifestyle, you look (great) serious, responsible, romantic, kind, hardworking. But you are a "cane" with women :). Your sexual fantasies are not bad, it may be due to the lack of a woman in your life, but even if you want to practice them one day, many women have similar tendencies, I don't think it will be a problem for you. You imagine the relationship in a couple a little more rosy, but with experience everything will be fine. Well, if you like the theater, and role-playing games ... play until you relax. When they smile at you - smile and you, behave as you would like, force yourself in the beginning, play your role when you meet a girl, you will "break" and you will not have to "play". Regarding your worries about the countryside and economic work, the times are such that for many girls it would be a great option for a calmer, healthier, safer life. You're okay, everything's fine, just your worries in your head about women. Go bolder and don't think so much.