I am 29 years old. I wonder ... am I the nastiest and most disgusting creature that ever happens I will try to explain briefly: my grandfather died in the 1950s while on duty (he was in the military). He died at the age of 40, leaving two children raised by my grandmother, who raised and raised them on her own. One of the children was my mother and the other was my uncle. They both struggled, suffered, had a hard life. I hardly remember my uncle, I was 6 when he died. After many years, I learned that he had an incurable brain tumor. Uncle was a military man like his grandfather, a very erudite and well-read man. My mother ... suffered all her life. She gave birth to me at the age of 39, my father was also 39, they have no other children. He decided he didn't want us and lived with another. He left before my mother. And she got sick. He had a brain tumor. Part of it was removed, but it was not possible to remove the whole tumor and it was subsequently gone. I don't have brothers and sisters, I only have cousins, but you know, everyone has their own life and no one owes me. Even most of the cousins always had quarrels with my parents and I never felt close and loved by them. My experiences with my mother's illness affect me very badly. Our health system is sicker than the sick person. I suffer a lot because I blame myself for getting sick. I'm guilty. I have a huge guilt for her illness. To top it all off, I have feelings for a person who for me is a mistaken, wrong love. He is Bulgarian, but he is of P * omak origin, which is my biggest problem with this man. Now why is all this happening? I do not want to be ashamed and disgraced for my origin, for my family. What to do, to atone for all sins? I want to punish myself, to isolate myself to atone for my guilt, my sins. But just ... why did this have to happen to me with my feelings? These feelings bother me a lot because things are not possible. I will now open more spaces in my heart to accommodate pain and bitterness. Does God punish me? Whose sins do I atone for? Am I the lowest person on this earth?