Burning Fanatic Mania

The Story

They compare anorexia to drug addiction. We are the so-called "risk group" There is no former anorexic, alcoholic or drug addict. Drug addicts are constantly increasing their dose, anorexics, no matter how much they lose weight, are not enough. Addicts do not feel well if they are not intoxicated, anorexic if they eat. Everyone has heard of abstinence crises, anorexics get into a crisis if they eat or if they gain a few pounds. For me, "healing" will be one of the worst things that can happen to me. Periods of "improvement" are like being in a black hole, in purgatory. These periods of "improvement" prevent me from reaching the ideal weight, ruin my life .... I am so afraid of not gaining the lost weight in the winter ..... I do not know what I will do if I gain weight again .... I will die , if I gain more than 50 kg again .... I have to keep losing weight .. .. I can't stop now, when I have reached so far, when I have achieved so much, I just can't ... And I don't know if I will ever be able, and I will hardly ever want to. At most, for a while, something would distract me and a period of "improvement" would follow. I must not allow it for anything in the world .... Too much is never enough. I always want more and more .... I have lost 7-8 kg, but I need more. I have so many clothes, shoes, cosmetics and things, and I buy new ones and new ones .... I know how it will affect my budget, but something draws me to the shops. Then with the casino shopping bags. Sometimes I win, but of course I lose more often. Sometimes after a casino I have no money for days. And I want to bet more and more .... I have an acquaintance with whom I got along very well. I haven't seen him in a long time now because he's detained for possession of heroin. He probably won't be convicted, but we'll hardly see each other soon. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. We are quite similar, we have a lot in common. Not just anorexia / drug addiction. And he went to casinos, he doesn't have much desire to be "cured", he doesn't like being tied up and given a tone in life ... And he kept saying that I look even better since I lost weight, everyone tells me that I am weak enough and that I do not need to lose weight. It just makes me nervous, I hate that "concern." He's hardly as crazy and nasty as I am, but still, it wouldn't hurt to make friends. In fact, I don't care so much about true friendship. I prefer to receive than to give. Not to mention love, commitment, fidelity ... I've never had a relationship. I have "sex buddies". I love short-term adventures, overnight sex, flirting. Why is it my commitment? What is a serious relationship or marriage for me? This contradicts everything I do and everything I believe in. I don't like anyone to interfere in my endeavors, to give me a tone in life. How will I comply with someone and tolerate someone to be jealous of me ?! To be monogamous and true - a joke. I have a phobia of commitment, I don't want a family, sometimes I can't stand my own, let alone create a new one, I don't want children, I'm allergic to them. I do not want responsibilities and obligations. What is true love for me? Only extravagant, provocative clothes and sexy shoes can serve me for something ... Why should I look after a child when I can be in the bars every night? Alcohol, supplements ... And the discos ... everything is out of control there ... I am completely selfish, I live for myself and through myself, I am cynical and brutal and I always get what I want. I know that my goals are immoral. In moments of balance, I realize that my aesthetic impulses are devoid of moral basis. However, I do not regret, I do not regret. I don't want to change, I don't want to become "normal". Just the thought of "curing" myself of anorexia, shopping mania and gambling, and after 10 years of being a wife and mother who prefers quiet evenings at home to adventure and tumultuous parties, I froze in horror. Not that it will happen to me, but it's not superfluous to prevent it. Prevention is the best medicine .... Just the thought of "recovering" from anorexia, shopping mania and gambling, and after 10 years of being a wife and mother who prefers quiet evenings at home to adventure and tumultuous parties, I froze in horror. Not that it will happen to me, but it's not superfluous to prevent it. Prevention is the best medicine .... Just the thought of "curing" myself of anorexia, shopping mania and gambling, and after 10 years of being a wife and mother who prefers quiet evenings at home to adventure and tumultuous parties, I froze in horror. Not that it will happen to me, but it's not superfluous to prevent it. Prevention is the best medicine ....

Last Updated
October 06, 2020
Author:
squidkore

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