I don't know how I could live after what I've done. Don't ask me for details, what, how, why. But I'm a piece of. FREAK, HUMAN LIKENESS, SCUMBAG. I wish I'd never been born. Because I only brought evil to my beloved, younger brother. Anyone who finds out the truth would spit on me. That's why I'd kill myself, but now I have no right to do it because I'm just going to complicate his condition. Yes, my family, my colleagues, my wife, my parents assure me that it is not, but my brother and I will always know the truth. My beloved brother, with whom we have always shared everything, joy, and sadness, days, bed, interests, friends who (despite his condition, is now married and working) is the best being in the world, the most moral and pure, this beautiful, clever and sensitive as a string being! ... What did you do to deserve this? ... Why didn't God punish me? ... What earned a brother like me - even now he's not mad at me, and anyone else in his place would kick me out like a dog - a brother who only grieved him, while the other one did everything for him, flawlessly! He's always sacrificed himself, and again, this misfortune happened from his sacrifice! ... Why did I do this to this wonderful creature who has suffered all his life? ... First of all, I didn't mean to, because of me, he has physically hurt years ago, but forgive me. To me, the selfish, the slutty, the lazy, irresponsible bastard, the ISDIGA! ... Then surgeries, nerves, stress for him, and my loved ones followed. And he's always helped me, always! Then, again, because of me, he got sick mentally. I mean, I didn't challenge him, but it was my fault! ... Mine! ... Now he has schizophrenia. You know for yourself what this disease means, what suffering and stigma bring (and yet, again, it is better than me in any sphere, nor complains, on the contrary, is always optimistic, cheerful and looks through the laughter of his illness), what suffering, how much money, how much stress for parents; he will be sick for the rest of his life, for this disease is chronic and not treated; he will suffer and suffer for me! ... How can I live with that? My mother's hair is white, there's no shine in her eyes... And that could have been prevented! ... I could have stopped him! ... When he got sick, I acted selfishly, and he was loaded with everything! ... There's no freak, no pussy, and nothingness like me! ... How do I get over the thought of him being sick? How do I atone for my sin? ... I can't get used to the thought of him being sick! Refuse! I don't sleep, I don't eat, I develop depression! I can't watch him struggle! ... I want to kill myself. I have to die.
1
rainbow_colors answered · June 14, 2020
I don't know what your guilt is, but there's redemption for every crime. Maybe it all happened for a reason- to change, to appreciate your brother.
From now on, be the brother he deserves to be. Stop harassing yourself and channel that energy to help him. He needs you most now.
You can't fix the past. The present is in your hands.
2
julywantyou answered · June 14, 2020
Instead of blaming yourself, it's never too late to fix it. More importantly, you realized you weren't doing things right. And once you've realized, it'il never be too late to change, even if a physical thing has been injured by your brother. If you now stand by him and tell him you've changed, and ask him for forgiveness for all your mistakes, I think it's going to work out. But if you just blame yourself and think about suicide, you're not going to help your brother, and you're going to hurt him even more mentally. Good luck to you.
3
pam3jai_ answered · June 14, 2020
I think you're not mentally well and you need to stabilize yourself. The state of schizophrenia in general and mostly is a genetic disease and is carried by specific genes. I doubt you're the reason you want to be as important in your brother's life as you're trying to get out of here. You need to calm down a little bit, and my opinion is to visit a psychologist SERIOUSLY.
4
trikz2036 answered · June 14, 2020
Your brother is sick and suffering, but you suffer too, boy!!! Probably a lot more!!! You have depression and you suffer mentally more, think about it? I don't know if you've heard that, but schizophrenic thinks 2 2 is 5, and a man with depression
knows that 2 2 is 4, but it seems unbearable to him.
I want to tell you that I had a similar story in my childhood. Except he was with my cousin. Everyone told me I was going to get sick because we were fighting in the country all the time, and I was always the reason. Now he is quite well, with self-esteem, with a good profession and a family, and I am quite the opposite and suffered from depression for many years (for other reasons, unrelated to him) and for depression is characteristic of guilt, the insidiousness of this disease is that the sufferer himself does not realize that he is the most victim. It's only when he realizes it that healing begins.
And one more thing - schizophrenia is 100% genetically embedded, nothing can prevent it, nor cause it!
5
nudcat answered · June 14, 2020
From the author: I killed him. You see, I killed my closest being, deprived him of the joy of full life, of family life, of the good times, he will never be the same, and he has always been happy, striving, with dreams. He had talent. Now, listening to his laughter, looking at his eyes, those eyes, and something in me is breaking... You say pull myself together and you're right. Go to the doctor? I've already been there, but does that change the fact? You say there is redemption for every sin. There's no one for this one. And after three hundred lives, and in hell to fry, I won't be able to redeem him. Yes, I have a mental illness myself, but that doesn't excuse me. That I was involved in a crime against my brother - not in the literal sense - that triggered the disease... I'm a criminal. I give everything to take over part of his cross. Let's get back to the time. I want this to be a nightmare. You're good people. But you don't know what kind of garbage I am, so you write like that. He doesn't want to. Waking up - even sleep is excruciating for me. Still, thank you for your words.
6
channel_a answered · June 14, 2020
Look at the theme "A Wasted Life" - the same author and in it is a mushroom with users. Shame.
7
irishgall answered · June 15, 2020
Schizophrenia is a genetic disorder. Since you didn't force your brother, intentionally humiliate or abuse it, it's not your fault. Because it could have been a gene plus an unlocking factor. But it's not. Don't punish yourself. Calm down.
8
srmll answered · June 15, 2020
To ask for answers, you have to tell me what you've done so much.
Otherwise, the disease is mostly genetically reedane and can be unlocked at any moment. If you didn't give him some synthetic drug or some drugs, you shouldn't be looking for guilt in yourself.
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shottaberry answered · June 15, 2020
I didn't understand how you brought him to schizophrenia?
Otherwise, I know a case of a child who, due to experience shock, horror, fear, develops schizophrenia
10
darla_caryn answered · June 16, 2020
You don't say exactly what happened and why you're the cause, or you think you're the reason your brother got sick, but there's a way to atone for at least some of your guilt. Just be there for him! Always! Help him with whatever you can, lift his spirits, support him... let him be sure that whatever happens, you are always there for him and you will help him. This is the most important thing for any sick that and for every person in general. To have someone who really cares and is there under all circumstances.
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coronacompanion answered · June 16, 2020
Whatever you've done, stress doesn't make a person sick. Here, you're going through terrible stress now, blaming yourself, but you're not getting caught by schizophrenia, are you? Because it didn't fall into your DNA.
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emotional__escape answered · June 17, 2020
Number six, yours is a shame! To say I'm making fun of me! I saw the subject you're talking about - yes, the girl, there's a similar point to me, only depressed people have a common point. Who knows how many people on this site write in a similar way. And to tell me that now, about a problem like this... yours is inhumane! Do you think I'm going to go the way you wrote it? What kind of garbage is going to do that? My soul is on fire! God doesn't give you such suffering, such anguish, such a burden! I want an apology!
To the rest of you, thank you people, it kind of eased me, and it's like something's come down from me. I kept quiet for so long, I didn't talk, i was just a pop confession, so now it's a little bit of a flash. Where to write a person except anonymously on sites today? You're good people, but i felt a little more pathetic from your words. I can't tell you how it all happened, it's very personal and humiliating. It was five years ago. I just let him get hurt the most, to rob his soul without interfering. That's enough to feed a man on top of me. But your words acted like alcohol, like a drug, as a cure for a wound. I needed to hear something like that. Thank you for approaching me with understanding and compassion.