Hello, I am a boy, 19 years old, from R. I graduated from a language high school with a German-English profile. I did well there, I graduated with a pretty decent diploma, and I have excellent grades at both exams after 12th grade. I am thinking of going to study and work abroad soon. I had to miss a year after graduating from high school because I didn't know exactly what I wanted to study and in which country. There's something important I want to point out in this thread - I'm gay (please homophobes save your comments on this, I've listened enough). I had a difficult childhood. Every day I endured all sorts of ridicule and insults at school because I was different. And at home I witnessed daily scandals because my father was an alcoholic and they constantly quarreled with my mother. Maybe these things are the reason I'm so shrunken now, with very low self-esteem and with many complexes. I have almost no friends.
Only 2 girlfriends and I wouldn't even call them that, because they almost never have time for me, they are students in Sofia, and we are quite different from them - they are party people, they like to go to discos, to meet new people. to be in the company. I seem to be a little more closed and these things don't give me much pleasure. I have too much free time right now. During the winter season, I worked in a hotel in Bansko and then I did not have time to think about such things, but now the hotel in question is closed and I do nothing. I don't have hobbies, I don't play sports, I spend most of my time alone at home, in front of the computer, with music and most often on Facebook. Lately, however, there are other things that are seriously bothering me. For a month now, I've been quite restless and have a hard time falling asleep at night because I fell into a man, who paid me little attention. Later it turned out that he was married and even had children (that is, he was just looking for some fun with me, maybe just sex), and I, because I have no experience in relationships, got into the movie that something serious could happen between us, even though he is 31.
Fortunately, I found out these things about him in time and I haven't been in contact with him for a month, but I feel very upset and I can't stop thinking about him, I often even cry. I am quite sensitive and I take everything very seriously. In addition, I have not yet decided in which country it would be best to go to study, and the deadlines are running out, it's even high time now and it bothers me constantly. On Saturday night, however, something happened to me that made my thoughts turn in another direction. I woke up at night and in the sleep/wake period, I heard a strange rustle behind the wardrobe, as if a bug was crawling. I couldn't tell if it was coming from the TV (because I leave the TV on at night) or not, but I stood up abruptly and turned on the night light. As I tried to fall asleep, I heard a similar rustle again.
Somehow I managed to fall asleep, but after a few hours I woke up again and again in this period of waking/sleeping the hanger in my room looked like a person, I was startled, got up and drank water, I realized that it was just a hallucination. Since then, however, I have not stopped reading on the Internet, and when I read the symptoms of schizophrenia, I had a thought that I might be ill with it. It is important to say that I speak to myself, but I really speak to myself (when I am alone with us). So, I ask myself something and I answer myself, sometimes I even criticize myself. I applied this to my studies and it always gave good results, I remember things faster by speaking them out loud and by asking and answering questions. I don't know why, but I didn't find this a problem before. As I said above, I'm pretty lonely, and talking out loud to myself, sometimes even arguing, helps me systematize my thoughts and make decisions. However, after reading that this is also a symptom of schizophrenia, I am now even more scared. But before, when I had a nightmare at night and woke up suddenly, the shadow of the hanger in my room looked like a man holding a knife or something after I turned on the night light, I realized that it was just illusion.
Lately, however, I can't concentrate on my future goals and follow them, which I also read on the Internet as a symptom of the disease. Furthermore, when I'm home alone, or when I'm outside and coming home in the dark, I'm paranoid that someone is watching me from somewhere, or they'll jump around the corner. Fortunately, at least I don't hear voices and I don't have the feeling that someone is putting thoughts in my head or something like that, but I'm still quite worried. People, do you think this is normal? I also shared with my mother (she knows about my orientation and supports me).
She said that apparently, all this came to me a little more (the story with the family man and the fact that I have not yet decided in which country I will go to study) and my brain has "smoked" and so I have nightmares and my they see and hear such things when I wake up. I shared with both of my girlfriends, whom I mentioned above in the thread. They told me: '' find a job, start playing sports, do something, instead of sitting at the computer all day, reading symptoms and thinking nonsense. '' But they, like my mother, say it's high time I decided where I want to study, to leave, to change my environment, to start building my future, to meet new people and everything will seem to be fine. What do you think? Could it really be from the stress I've been experiencing lately, from being too tense? Or should I visit a psychiatrist? The story turned out to be a bit long (for which I apologize).
But still, I will be infinitely grateful to everyone who has the time and desire to read it and leave some advice/comment/criticism! :) to start building my future, to meet new people and everything will seem to be fine. What do you think? Could it really be from the stress I've been going through lately, from being too tense? Or should I visit a psychiatrist? The story turned out to be a bit long (for which I apologize).
1 girlsexy104 answered
Friend 2 things: - Do not confuse good grades with social life. - Being social and having friends / social circle is like a "firewall" against all kinds of mental disorders. People around us can bring us back to reality. Humans biologically have a terribly complex and powerful brain (which is why we dominate the planet), but it is made to be social, otherwise it goes crazy on its own. It's good to share these things that are trying to share them with a psychologist (there is nothing shameful), he will direct you in the right direction so that you do not dig in one place and do not really cause any mental disorder. My advice is to watch videos on RSD on YouTube, they help to socialize (and women).