A Confused Girl

Hello dear people! First I want to apologize if you find my story a little confusing or boring, but I just really don't know what to do. In fact, I am a VERY confused girl, I have so many questions and answers from nowhere. My name is S. and I am 17 in 5 months I will turn 18 (great isn't it) :) yes but no. And so I will tell you briefly (as briefly as I can) about my life. I am a "child" who grew up in a family with many problems quarrels, fights, etc. I love my mother very much, I would do anything for her, she is my guardian angel, she is EVERYTHING FOR ME. As for my father ... I hate him because he always bullies my mother. (Just to say that some time ago, my father had problems with alcohol and beat my mother a lot for NO reason, she was subjected to mental and physical abuse) Some time ago my mother decided that he would divorce (but never did) we went out to the apartment, she found a friend. We ran away from my father, but he found us. But because my mother didn't have any money to pay for the accommodation, as well as to look after me, because my father made her get fired, we had to go back to him, because we had nowhere to go ... We were literally on the STREET. So we turned, sucked, and went back to him. It began with his mental harassment and has not stopped to this day. It has decreased a bit, but there are still hints of the kind "what was my mother" (abe of course g / d). I don't know how she endured, if I were in her place I would go crazy, but she is such a strong woman, I admire her courage, but because of me I had to go back. (So ​​I blame myself for EVERYTHING he does to her) I want her to be the happiest woman in the world, but I don't know what to do. I also said that when I finish school, we will get out of here and I will not leave her alone, that we will both work and have money to eat, that we will get better, that we will be happy. And she, dear, just agrees and says that everything will be fine, but I know it won't be. I know it will be very difficult for us. I want to become a student and study at NATFA (although I can't believe I'm accepted nooo ..) .. and the university is very expensive, (and I wouldn't say I'm a good student, but who knows) but also for money has to be given there (and we don't have it) Anyway ... As for the questions I ask myself every night before I go to bed, they are numerous. I think ... Am I thinking like a child? Will everything be fine in the future? Are we going to get better? Will anything happen to me? Will I go to university? .... TO issues like .. Do I have friends? Am I weird? Will I find someone to love me? etc. Only I can give answers to my questions, but over time, and I'm so confused, who knows maybe it's from puberty, and maybe not .. I don't know .. I always ask myself some questions in which I can't find answers .. I feel so alone I need to scream to scream and not stop .. Do you see people .. I myself do not know what I am saying everything is so confused to me even what I tell you .. Sometimes I have the feeling that I am two people at once. I don't know what to do in about a year I will have to take life into my own hands and I am so afraid of failing, at least I am glad that I will not be alone in this and that my mother will be close to me and will support me. in everything :) .. I need advice on what to do .. what do you think .. Will everything be okay? Will we find Happiness with my dear mother ...? ... Have you been in such a situation? I apologize for the story which is confusing, I hope you understand me and give an opinion on my story. Thank you. S. :)