I am the author. Numbers 1 and 4, thanks for the answers. A little for me. I grew up in a bad family. I will not mention who the harassment was, but it was expressed in verbal harassment / psychological / emotional - imputation of feelings such as: guilt, unworthiness, incompetence, uselessness ... Punishment by silence. No desire to talk to me, and when he did, he was aggressive with shouts when I shared thoughts and emotions. As a result, as a child, I tried to make this person happy so that he would not have a reason to call me and ignore me. I was afraid to express an opinion and share. But that didn't work, because to make this man happy — it was impossible, if it happened — it was for a moment or a day, but no more. He didn't appreciate anything, much less the effort. When I didn't express an opinion and didn't share - it was still bad. Years later, I decided that there is no pleasure and I will not try to please a person who is eternally dissatisfied. I showed self-aggression through drinking, smoking, drugs ... Such behavior is very typical for teenagers, but not all of them drink, smoke or take drugs because they are / spoiled / as many people say. Some of them do it because they are bullied in their family. Of course, I didn't realize it then as self-aggression or self-punishment - years later, before I stopped, I said to myself that I didn't want to be poisoned, and after a while I understood why I did it. As a result of this attitude from my parent, many years later, I notice things in my relationships with people. (In the past, it will be everything, because I have already realized things and I observe myself so as not to allow such behavior on my part). I was easily attached, I wanted to be overly good, to please the person next to me, I kept silent when I felt affected, people thought I had no problems because I did not share, so as not to burden, because I did not deserve attention because I thought I was unimportant. I suffered disrespect for me because I had to be understanding. And here came the time to get bored like when I was a teenager, only - this time I did not hurt myself, because I was aware of what was happening. Disappointment and negative emotions - I reworked them because I understood the reason my parent treated me like that, some people and partners - too. There have been people with unresolved personal problems who project their own - low self-esteem, fear, inability and all sorts of complexes, onto someone in a weaker position because he is physically weak, financially dependent, emotionally dependent, or simply - infinitely patient and believing in a happy ending. I saw the positives in the whole picture. Because of my parent's attitude and the attitude of other people, which I had allowed myself in later years - they taught me: that we are all human and there is no one who is a PO to allow him to crush us, us or someone else , or to try, to fix his life so that he is happy, not to worry and be afraid, not to say something wrong, but to listen more, and to speak when it makes sense, when I can give constructive advice or opinion, to do things with which - not to please someone, but to be useful. These are the things that give meaning to my life. I know that there are a lot of people who grew up in a bad family environment, even worse than mine, that's why they are what they are, that's why even if they have children - most of these people are violent, whether on them or your partner, but they do. Unconsciously. Most abusers in the family - copy the behavior of their parents to them or their parents to each other. Even people with extreme behavior, narcissistic, hysterical, passive-aggressive, mania, addictions ... (my parent had most of these and other extremes in behavior), but these people have allowed themselves not to realize what is bothering them. It sounds a bit like bullies are weak people, victims of other bullies, unconscious ... to some extent, but that doesn't mean they can be tolerated. Everyone is responsible for their own well-being and should not allow symbiosis / victim-abuser / in any aspect, with anyone. having a narcissistic character, hysterical, passive-aggressive, mania, addictions ... (my parent had most of these and other extremes in behavior), but these people have allowed themselves not to realize what is bothering them. It sounds a bit like bullies are weak people, victims of other bullies, unconscious ... to some extent, but that doesn't mean they can be tolerated. Everyone is responsible for their own well-being and should not allow symbiosis / victim-abuser / in any aspect, with anyone. having a narcissistic character, hysterical, passive-aggressive, mania, addictions ... (my parent had most of these and other extremes in behavior), but these people have allowed themselves not to realize what is bothering them. It sounds a bit like bullies are weak people, victims of other bullies, unconscious ... to some extent, but that doesn't mean they can be tolerated. Everyone is responsible for their own well-being and should not allow symbiosis / victim-abuser / in any aspect, with anyone.
1 lynn_ban answered
Look, there are many faces to violence, but all of them are ugly! When it comes to violence, most people probably imagine a husband beating his wife, but there are many other types of domestic violence, sometimes much more severe and with much worse consequences. I'm not saying it's acceptable for a man to beat and harass his wife, but at least she's an adult and has a chance to get away. And what about the children who fell victim to an abusive parent? How do they get out? And tell someone who will believe a child? And the elderly and people with limited mobility who are victims of their children and grandchildren? And they have no chance. Because the abuser can always get away with the explanation that "grandparents have multiple sclerosis and make it up!" As for whether the perpetrators hate their victims, I don't know. Maybe maybe not. I guess each case is individual. What is worse, however, is that there are many victims who not only do not look for a way to escape, but accept this as normal. That's the scary thing! The abuser breaks you so mentally that you already think you deserve a fight because you are a bad wife / bad mother, etc. And then, even if for some reason you manage to save yourself, you already have a very distorted idea of a normal relationship and there is a huge chance that you will find yourself a bully again. So for me, salvation comes from there. To understand that it is NOT YOUR GUILT and YOU DO NOT DESERVE SUCH ATTITUDE! If you realize this, it is now easier to gather the courage to break off the relationship with this person. If you are also a victim of violence, I advise you to seriously rethink your assessment of the situation and not to give in to the Stockholm syndrome, because it will be disastrous. You know what Stockholm Syndrome is? This term is used for people who are victims of violence, not only domestic, who not only do not resist, but even begin to like their abuser and of course fully justify his every act of violence. And then it gets scary! Because even if someone wants to help you, you flatly refuse help, claiming that you are completely happy and everything in your relationship is wonderful. It's complicated! And the worst thing is that, as I said, in 99% of cases, the violence is as much physical as it is mental. The goal is for the victim to collapse completely, to suggest that she is completely incapable of surviving without her abuser, because the abuser likes the idea of having almost unlimited power for his victim. As for the image of the abuser ... for me, these are little souls, without a gram of self-confidence, who outside do not dare to defend their positions and therefore try to pretend to be heroes in front of their family. A classic example is the man who at work is always dissatisfied with his bosses and colleagues, but of course does not dare to raise the tone of his boss, so he accumulates aggression in himself and subsequently gets angry with his wife and children. Poor story! But as I said, unfortunately there are many women who consider this behavior normal and it is normal for them to eat a fight with a reason and without a reason, because it means that their husband "loves" them and cares about them! Can you imagine? Personally, I would not tolerate such an attitude and day and my ex-husband, maybe that's one of the reasons he is an ex, knew it very well. Only once did he allow himself to slap me during a family scandal, and I never forgave him for that slap. Yes, I filed for divorce a few years later, but after the slap my heart closed for him and our relationship was no longer the same. However, I knew who I was and that I could do without him, and that is why I will never allow anyone to treat me badly, whether it is mental or physical harassment. However, here comes the question of education and the right to work. Yes, I can leave because I do not depend financially on anyone, and very often these women, in addition to being beaten, are also isolated from the world. They cannot seek help from their relatives, they do not have a job to be financially independent of the abuser, and in general the situation is quite desperate. Not to mention that in extreme cases the victim is so blackmailed that even if she can, she does not dare to leave because she is threatened that he will kill her parents and or take her children, for example. And then the salvation seems to be only in the police, and as we know in Bulgaria, and not only, the police do not like to interfere in such personal relationships. So the problem is very, very serious and for hours we will not have time to discuss all its aspects and possible solutions, but the main thing is for the victim to decide for himself that he DOES NOT DESERVE SUCH A LIFE! The important thing is to first resist the mental harassment, and then decide how to stop the mental harassment. Because if you stop being afraid and believing that you deserve such an attitude, the battle is half won, but it's definitely not easy to deal with the fear and the suggestion that has sometimes stuck in your head for years that "you're nothing," that "nothing happens to you!", "that one day you will not survive without me!" and all that nonsense. Well, it's NOT TRUE! You will survive and you will cope! You just have to believe in yourself!